Sunday, February 14, 2010

A Valentine’s Day Poem

There are two countries that I love very much.

You probably could guess them: America and


I’m kidding with the second one.

I like to be a stinker.

Nothing against Sweden — it's superb over there

But my heart belongs to Denmark.

The quickest way to piss off a Dane is to tell them

You’re obsessed with Sweden.

That’s sort of like moving to South Dakota,

& telling the folks there that you’re obsessed with

North Dakota.

When it’s really all the same.

I have a hard time telling the Danes that I love

Their country.

It’s like a 15-year-old trying to tell her mom that

She loves her. True as it is, it’s hard.

She’s pissed you off too many times.

So you mumble the words to her,

“Yeah, I love you Denmark. Whatever.”

“I don’t know how to live without you.

But sometimes you’re so hard on me.”

“Sorry for calling you those names, and telling you to

Suck it.

Sometimes I misbehave just to get your


I’m callous and bitchy, and you’re an easy

Target. You just flash me back your tan smile,

Then lower your head. You’re way too polite

And modest for me."

"You don’t let me get away with my old tricks.

You’re so fresh and plucky beneath your

Shy demeanor. I can’t get close to you because

I don’t get you.”

The truth is, sometimes I feel like a girl without a

Country. That’s how Americans perceive

Canadians: “90% of You live within 90 miles of our US

Border, but you’re not Americans. So what are you?”

I use words that are elitist and annoying, like hubris

To describe that tendency of ours.

I want to option a script for the Coen brothers called

“No Country for Old Menacing Chicks” but I don’t know

What it means, to option a script.

I like to make up words, like perplexion...which is when

You have a perplexed complexion; red, ruddy cheeks that

Hold a contemplative position seconds longer than

They should.

Like this poem.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Denmark.

Will You Be Mine?


Sunday, February 7, 2010

The Darling Face of a Sell-out

After many years working in the Danish film industry, Bas has faithfully stayed strictly behind the camera. But one particular ad agency (not the one I work at) simply had to have a piece of him. They offered him the prestigious job of being the “face of Fullrate broadband,” to which he politely declined. They countered with more money. We discussed, he passed. They came back with an even better chunk of change; we conferred, decided it could chip in to our expensive take-away habit, so he accepted.

He really stepped in it. Ever since, Bas has endured much teasing from his film-worker friends. It’s all friendly, but those occasions when he’s recognized at 3 AM by the fleshy Turkish man handing him his shwarma as ‘the guy from those commercials,’ he cringes.

This is commercial #3 in a series of several to come. I’ve been a Fullrate customer since moving to Denmark. They offer good broadband for your home, for a great price.

They say they picked Bas because he looks like the ‘every man’. Then they get more specific with the jab that he could pass for the down-on-his-luck, slightly dizzy Danish dude in a shirt that is too big. I think they wanted a piece of him because he’s cute as a button. But I’m biased.

See for youself!